memories of the past and hopes for the future

 Last year, on facebook, I wrote a note about my memories from 2009 and hopes for 2010.

My hopes for 2010 were:

• Become an Aunt to a healthy baby boy (Hope reached: Yep)
• Become better situated financially (Hope reached: better than I was...so yep) 
• lose weight (Hope reached: I did lose some, but not as much as I wanted...so nope)
• find a classroom teaching position for the 10/11 school year (preferrably in Warren) (Hope reached: YEP! [who would have thought 6th grade, though??])
• get pregnant (Hope reached: these plans changed so I don't mind that this one is a nope.)

Memories of 2010 (what other order would I put them in than random?)

• Became an aunt to a beautiful boy
• one of my best friends got married

•  two of my best friends had babies within days of each other
• celebrated my 2 year wedding anniversary
• got a 6th grade teaching position at Creston Intermediate Academy
• saw Wicked for the 2nd time with my sister (10 rows from the stage!!)
• saw Styx with my dad and sister and were soo close to the stage
• my neices learned to roll over, crawl, walk, eat people food and are even starting to talk
• my neices turned 1!!
• went to Las Vegas
• had our first family vacation since we were in high school

Hopes for 2011 (random)

•  lose weight
• keep my teaching job for next school year
• get pregnant
• keep working on becoming better situated financially
• healthy family members and friends
• good tax return so mike and I can go on vacation with my parents
• mini-vacation with just michael and me
• my co-workers have healthy baby boys

Picture Highlights:

nephew Andrew

neices turned 1

became a classroom teacher

@ rachel and scott's wedding

i <3 literacy

John David <3

Kendall <3

my <3

so grown :(

Las Vegas

 

10 rows from the stage to see Wicked. (I cried 3 times..lol)

Have a safe and happy New Year!!

finding myself

Ever since I can remember, I have had body image issues. Like many others, I would obsess about how I looked and whether or not an outfit made me look fat. I can remember as far back as my elementary years having this as an issue. Comments from my mom like, "Suck in your belly," and "You don't need to eat that," were comments I heard regularly. In my mother's defense, I do think she was trying to help. At the time, it made me even more self-conscious and I felt scrutinized. As I went through middle school, high school and even in to college, it became a bigger issue. Your mind and body go through so many changes at that age. I remember skipping breakfast and lunch, jogging, drinking ridiculous amounts of water....and even making myself sick so that I could be the image that I wanted. In my mind, it was all about a number on the scale. Once I reached that number, I would be fine. Even when I was at my lowest number on the scale (which is 50 pounds or so lower than where I am at currently) I remember thinking it wasn't good enough.

I never really was motivated by the desire to attract guys, or look like everyone else...honestly, I hate saying it, but I just wanted to get to a point where I wouldn't have to be self conscious that my mom would tell me to suck in my belly or feel judged for eating. Anyone who knows me knows I ADORE my mother. I would never want this blog to be a negative reflection on my mom. I honestly don't think she realizes the impact of what she says.

 My point is when I look back on pictures of me in high school, it really pisses me off that I wasn't happy with my weight. I was buying my t-shirts from the little boy's section in target for goodness sake!! When I look at pictures of the summer when I was making really scary choices on how to lose weight, I feel like I almost look sick in some of them. Yet...it wasn't good enough. In my mind, the number on the scale and my pants size didn't reflect what I thought it should.

I don't know why I am telling you all of this. Honestly, it wasn't my intention when I logged on today. Michael and I bought P90X (or whatever it is called) and I wanted to hold myself more accountable by putting it on here. I want to lose weight in a healthy way. Last January-June I lost 15 pounds by working out and eating better. Since my new job, I have put 7-8 back on. If Michael and I want to start a family soon, I really don't want to become pregnant overweight and then gain MORE weight on top of it. I have a much healthier body image now...even though I weigh more...but this is not the body I want to have anymore. Starting Sunday, Michael and I are going to do our best to follow the diet and work out routine. Wish us luck!

absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

I have been MIA. Yes. It is true. There are several reasons for my lack of blogging- but the main one was because I felt as though anything I could blog about would be something that I have ready talked about. (a) nieces (b) being a teacher (c) wanting babies (d) anything else that induces anxiety. I am feeling in a pet peeve mood, so I hope you don't mind the inner workings of my mind....

1. I hate when people use cuss words in their facebook status. I mean, I am no saint. There are many times when I feel great using profanity...but on my facebook status? I mean, I am friends with my aunts, cousins, mother and father in law, co-workers...I am sure I am not the only one who is friends with family. I hope you make them proud when you do things like that.

2. I hate when people complain about "people who cannot drive in the snow." Is 5 miles an hour necessary? Well, no. But why are people SOOOO easily agitated by people that go speeds that they feel comfortable with? Driving on snow is more dangerous. Plain and simple. Why throw such a fit about people that drive a little more cautiously than others? sheesh.

3. I hate when people take pictures of unsuspecting people for the simple joy of posting it on facebook and making fun of them. It's tragic, really, that some people need to bring others down so they feel good. Does this person know you took the pic and posted it? No. Will they find out? Probably not. Does that in return make it okay? No. It's actually quite sad.

4. I hate when people update 15 times during a Colts game.
"Let's go Colts."
"Come on defense"
"Whoa, touch down!"
"Collie is out"
"Collie is on the bench"
...cool...thanks for the play by play...now zip it

5. I hate it wen u can barely reed wat ppl write bc they cnt spell or use stoopid, made up wrds.

6. Finally, I hate it when people use facebook as an outlet to air their dirty laundry. We don't need to know why you hate your father or that your boyfriend is being a jerk. Along the same lines, I hate FML. I mean, really? F your life? Life is wonderful and a gift. Cherish it- and stop taking it for granted.


Ahhh. I sound kind of...bitchy but it's my blog and my thoughts...not my facebook status. (hence the choice of words)

Sidenote...Mike bought me a camera for Christmas! It's not a Crystal Turner or Kelly Gibbs camera, but I think its nice. :) Here are a few of my shots. Enjoy. Oh...most of all...MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


Ella Bella sleeping on mommy




one of my favorite decorations




one of mike's gifts from his parents




she LOVES snow!




how much is that doggie  in the window?




ella enjoying her Christmas gift from santa




a hand carved elephant from a student




books from my michael



caution: commencing psychotic break in...

feeling defeated
feeling overwhelmed
feeling grateful
feeling drained
feeling nostalgic
feeling hopeful
feeling jdsjfkngnkjgkfdjgkdfjgkdng msnasdf
feeling agitated
feeling unqualified
feeling despotic
feeling self-conscious
feeling pain
feeling excitement
feeling anxious
feeling hungry
feeling suffocated
feeling let down
feeling sleepy
feeling exhausted
feeling bored
feeling scattered
feeling worried
feeling fake




how can someone feel so much all at one time.
shut these emotions off. i hate them.

i hate never having calmness inside. i hate having 9 million different things running through my mind at one time. i hate headaches. i hate bad news. i hate bullies. i hate putting laundry away. i hate bad moods. i hate when people use windsheild wipers at speeds that are not appropriate for the amount of rain that is falling, i hate that my bath tub isnt big enough for me to be completely submerged by water. i hate that ive read all of the sookie books and twilight books and now nothing is worth my reading time. i hate capital letters. i hate money. i hate calories. i hate the opening credits for dexter. i hate DRA. i hate disobedient animals. i hate being so consumed with trying to survive being a teacher that i don't have time to think about michael. i hate that i dont have time for my friends.

i hate when students dont listen. i hate when people blame student behavior on bad parenting. i hate bad parenting. i hate when people push agendas. i hate that it isnt socially acceptable to decorate for christmas in july. i hate self-absorbed blogs that make me seem like i hate my life when really i am just having an off.....afternoon/evening and love almost everything about my life but just need to vent. i hate that crystal wont let me have one of her babies. i hate that she wont let me move in with her. i hate that i cant be her live-in nanny. i hate that i am going to have to come up with a plan to steal her children. i hate how difficult it will be coming up with a story to tell the family as to why crystal's children went missing around the same time i magically gave birth to two 10 month olds. i hate how much i love them. (actually...thats absurd. i love how much i love them)

ahh...getting on in a terrible mood and just by simply typing ANYTHING that came to mind- my mood has changed. if you ever wanted a look inside my mind...you just saw it. i signed on not having a plan of what to blog. simply started typing. holy cow my randomness is tiring. i love free-writing. its basically therapy. do i think an occasional xanax might calm my over-active mind down? sure. do you want to me capitalize my letters because it is easier to read? sure. will either happen? nope.

consumed

Hi. My name is Sarah and I am an addict. Yes. It is true. I am completely addicted to the idea of having a baby. I find myself completely surrounded by people who are pregnant, thoughts of being pregnant, designing a nursery, picking out names, growing a larger belly that will be from something other than just getting fat, giving my nieces and nephew a cousin that is close to their age, watching Mike learn to be a father and sharing something that we created with the people we love. Everywhere I go or anything I do, I swear I am either surrounded by it or hearing about it:

• I have 4 co-workers who are pregnant. One is about to pop and the other 3 are all right around 20 weeks
• 2 out of 4 of my best friends are 33+ weeks pregnant
• Several teachers where I student taught are pregnant

This might not seem like a big deal, but with t.v. shows and ADORABLE elephant baby stuff....and beautiful nieces, I feel like it is all around me all of the time. I am not saying I have a problem with it being around me, it just makes me REALLY, REALLY, REALLY want to start a family.

I know I may be romanticizing this whole pregnancy a tad...in fact...I do have some hesitations.

• Financial. Babies are freakin' expensive! I know you can never really "afford" a baby, but I do think you can try to plan it when you are a little more financially stable.
• Sleep. I love to sleep. Like...a lot. I know that once I get pregnant and that baby comes, I cannot sleep as much as I want. I also cannot get so upset when my sleep gets interrupted.
• Selfish. Hey, I am being honest. Everyone is selfish. I like to do things when I want and how I want. I am an extremely anxious person and I really like order and things planned in advanced. You can see how this is problematic when wanting to start a family.
• Relationships. In particular, my relationship with Mike. I love him with all of my heart. We are so perfect for each other. With my anxiety about things not working out the way they were planned, he helps me step back and calm down. Mike lets me be me. He never gets angry at dumb choices I make or holds grudges when I am being irrationally (for lack of a better word) bitchy towards him. His overall calmness and living day to day attitude helps me more than he can imagine. What I worry about is the strength of our relationship being tested. I know that we will disagree on things, I just fear the strain of having a baby might cause silly or not so silly fights.
• Weight. I have always had issues with this topic but what if I gain 900 pounds when I get pregnant and I cannot lose any of it?
• Health. What if I do become pregnant but my baby has health issues? I am an extremely emotional person. It is terrifying to think about all of the possibilities of things that could happen.
• Pain. Rumor has it that delivering a baby is painful. Put aside any pain you may have pre-delivery....D-day is scary to me. I mean, the thought of....never mind...I wont go into details. : )

Okay, wow. Writing down all of my hesitations make me feel silly. These are all very normal hesitations that most women probably have. I am not even pregnant or planning to become pregnant....and I am stressing about nothing. Jeez. See, this is what I am talking about. I over-analyze things that are unnecessary and work myself into this anxious state....

Long story not so short, I cannot wait to get pregnant. Mike and I have talked about it a lot lately and we both still agree that it's best to get at least one year of teaching under my belt. Being a first year teacher is hard enough. I cannot imagine being pregnant on top of it (...gibbs)  :)

All I really know is that I love Aubrey and Rayleigh more than I ever thought I could. If I love them this much, I cannot imagine how much I will love my own child. <3


At Brown Country State Park with the girls, Ray, Crystal, Renee and Adam. What a great day!

Even though I do not get to see him enough, I can't explain how happy it makes me when I do get to. Giving him a cousin to play with is something that I cannot wait to do!

Andrew Kissling <3

Photblog taken on Tuesday, Ocotober 12, 2010

<sugar love>

<cultural awarness love>

<special privleges love>

<signage love>

<eyegasm love>

<literacy love>

<tastebud love>

<mary and sarah love>

fall = photoblog



fall = starting each day in a classy way



fall = pumpkins



fall = mums



fall = adorable watering cans



fall = goofy babies strapped on to auntie sarah



fall = taking time to stop and smell the flowers



fall = family



fall = seeing something beautiful from multiple angles



fall = messy baby faces



fall = growing up way too fast



fall = family reading time



slowly but surely or shirley butt slowly?

I'm not sure if it's because tomorrow is my last day before break or if it's because I am  having these as genuine feelings- but I am finding that I think I might love teaching 6th graders. I know, I know. One day I am not sure and I think this age group has its issues and now I am saying that I actually might enjoy this pre-pubescent, 'diva-attitude', angry when someone looks at me the wrong way age.

• First: I am a woman which entitles me to change my mind.
• B: everyday with them is a new day and even on my days where Johnny makes me want to rip my hair out, I know that tomorrow I will want to hug him so tightly that his head pops off. (which still somewhat sounds as though I am angry at the child. What I was going for was more of a loving emotion.)
• 3: When I really look back over the 9 weeks, they say and do such amazing things. I know I would love first grade, and third grade and fourth grade....but honestly....I think that is the teacher in me. I would probably love 11th grade.

Students are students. There will always be the ones that cause me problems and stress as well as the ones where I worry about whether they are being treated appropriately at home. I will constantly have students who are above and below average and parents that are supportive and involved as well as almost non-existent.

One thing that I have noticed that has helped with this change is that I have really been holding myself more accountable for their learning. Initially, I had so much stress and was so preoccupied with everything that I did not put a lot of investment into developing and executing lessons. After I started holding myself more accountable for teaching my students, I notice the switch in my mind going from being 'unsure' to 'okay, these kids are actually pretty rewarding to work with.' It might sound bad...but this is my blog and I can say what I want.

I decided to go to the book fair today because there are several books I have been wanting to check out from the local library but decided to just buy instead. Tomorrow, once I leave school, I will be on a two week break where I might be able to read for recreation!!! On my break I plan to nap, clean, nap, work out, nap, read, clean, work in my classroom, nap and have an adult beverage or four. SOOO excited!!

The books I purchased were:

Super stoked about all of the reading and naps. :)

44 down, 136 to go

Its strange knowing that I am 1/4th of the way through my first year as a teacher. Yep. That's right. The first 9 weeks ended today leaving me with only 3 quarters left. I have mixed emotions about this. (shocking, I know) On one hand, the time has flown by as I expect the rest of the year will. Procedures should basically be set into motion with expectations being constantly upheld. On the other hand, I am a little freaked out that I have been their teacher for 9 weeks and some of them still don't have a clue how to raise their hand when they want to speak to me or that when I count from 5 to 0, they should be quiet by 2 or 3 and SILENT by 0. Now, I am not big on negatively talking about students- I mean, kids are kids- but I am slightly self-conscious that some of their behaviors should have been squashed by now. Then again, what do I have to compare it to? I have never done this before. AHHHH....flip flop/black and white/indecision at its best. (or worst)

This is a crazy time because report cards are due Monday because Monday we have Student Led Parent Teacher Conferences. As of right now, I have all 25 of mine scheduled for a time. While talking with my lovely husband, he bet that 11 out of the 25 will not show. I said that I think less than 10. Now...I cannot say what the winner receives, but I can say that I hope all 25 show up. I will not take the time to have a random low blow about parenting and its correlation to their student's success....but I do hope that all of my students and family members are able to make it.

Short and sweet. Like this blog, my evening will be the same. Some wine and then bed.

lovely.

self-reflection at it's best...or maybe worst

Many days, I work myself up into these moods where I feel like I should be doing things differently. I hear what other teachers are doing and I feel so inferior in comparison. In their rooms, they do stations, have long term self-sufficient projects, creative math games as well as several other creative outletts. In their rooms, they have all the time in the world to conference with students, differentiated instruction for every subject, quiet voices and busy minds. In my room, I hear 11 and 12 year olds talking incessantly and short-term goals being made because long-term ones are just not being developed yet. Focused on week by week survival seems to be a trench I have dug for myself. Remediation and enrichment are crucial components that are somewhat lacking in my classroom.

You may think: "Wow. That is just terrible. How can students be successful with a teacher who doesn't adapt every lesson to meet the need of every student?"

My response? "You're dumb."

Yep. That's how I feel. An elementary and immature response is all that you will get. You are dumb.


I know what my strengths are and I am reflective, intelligent and humble enough to know what I need more help/practice with. At this point, I know that I have my standards almost unattainably high for myself; however, I ask you- what is better; unattainable goals that are set high for myself? or shallow goals that aren't beneficial to myself or my students? I want to be a better teacher. Plain and simple. Thus far, I am proud of what I have done- but I know I am capable of better. It would be an injustice to my students if I thought I had already reached my full potential.

I know that Reading and Writing are my strengths. The books I choose are engaging and I am getting great thought-proving responses to what we do in class. I am extremely proud of this. I will not apologize for saying what I am good at or be ashamed of admitting what I need more help with. My goal (of which I will not set an ending time to attain this goal) is to become a more individualized teacher. Focus on remediation, enrichment with an overall "No Child Left Behind" attitude.

everything happens for a reason

This was a crazy week. The more I learn about my students and their backgrounds, the more I becoming invested in them becoming successful. I could never imagine going through half of what some of my students have gone through. They are so strong at such a young age and I feel truly blessed to have all 25 of them in my life. I never thought I would teach a higher elementary grade.

From early on in my educational experience, I really thought I was meant for first grade or some other lower grade. I was intimidated by the older grades because of the content material, my self conscious feelings of looking young, my preconceived ideas about how the older they get the more disrespectful they become.....the list keeps going. By no means am I a religious person, but I do believe in something higher that put me where I am for a reason. Meeting these kids has helped make me a better person. Each one comes with their own personalized history and uniqueness. Never again will I look at a person and think I know what kind of life they have probably had and what type of person they probably will become. In these short weeks, I have felt emotions I didn't know I had.

I will not look at a student with bad grades and assume its because they don't care or don't try. I have seen students try their hardest and still not pass an assessment. It breaks my heart when they become so frustrated in class working on assignments or assessments that are just simply above their level. At this point, I am doing my best adapting the lessons to meet their needs, but its much easier said than done.

Finally, even though I have never really done this in the past, I certainly will not begin to assume that when a student acts out or doesn't do well in school, its because their parents don't care. This is simply absurd. Yes, there are parents out there who might not care; however, its so unfair to think that a student who is making bad choices is because of parents who instill values of not caring. I believe that parents/guardians want nothing but the best for their student. I wish people would stop saying Warren is ghetto because parents don't care about how their kids do in school/life. 

absurd.



~*~Sidenote: Happy 9 month Birthday Aubrey and Rayleigh

so angelic

so precious

so rotton

Thing 1 Thing 2

there can be miracles

Memories of thinking that this could never happen.
Always hoping for the best
but fearing the worst.
Moments that question who we are
or what we deserve,
are answered and rewarded.
Lives are changed.
Instead of hating the dark clouds, we embrace them.

Going through life, giving all of the love I could-
never realizing there were parts left  in reserve.
Meant for only two.
Looking into their eyes
and hearing their laughs are nothing short of a miracle.
Each encounter may as well be the first.
Love and adoration pour from my soul,
threatening to overcome the world.

Never looking back
only looking forward.
Memories in the making
are ours for the taking.
Unconditional love, hope and happiness is all I that I can feel.
"There can be miracles, when you believe."


I believe.

Two reasons to love life

Aubrey Lynn Turner

Rayleigh Jade Turner