I begin this post with so much anxiety about how vulnerable I am about to be. From the beginning of creating this blog, I always intended it to be for my therapeutic release- hence why what I NEED to get off my chest is to relieve some of my fears, worries and anxiety....or at least I hope it eases them.
I am terrified about being a mom to two kids. Specifically, I am terrified of having an 18 month old and a newborn. I have realized that I rarely daydream of Tegan and when I do, they aren't happy daydreams.
I picture an 18 month old throwing a temper tantrum and hitting me while I am trying to nurse a newborn or put her to sleep.
I picture a newborn who doesn't get the attention she needs because her older brother doesn't understand patience.
I picture not having enough love to give Tegan because I am too in love with Caleb.
I picture the one night a week where Mike is at work and I will have to do bedtime by myself.
I picture stressing about money even more than I already do.
I picture going back to work far sooner than I would prefer because I do not have enough sick days.
I picture the stress of getting two kids up and ready and out the door by 6:15 am---4 days a week.
I picture giving up on nursing because I won't feel like I have any time to dedicate to it...and being crushed that I couldn't meet my goal...which I haven't even set one at this point because I just don't know what to expect. Realistically, my goal is Christmas break, which gets her to 4.5 months old...but Spring break or summer break would be even better.
I picture myself giving up my prep to pump and feeling behind as a teacher.
I picture myself not being happy with how my body looks and not finding time to take care of it.
I picture my house being even messier/dirtier than I feel like it already is because any down time will not want to be used for cleaning.
I picture being forced to ask for help from friends and family--which is something that I don't enjoy doing. (my theory is that most people genuinely want to help and be supportive...until you actually ask for it...then you are a burden)
This isn't what I should be focused on. This isn't what I want to focus on, yet I seem to have to force myself to think of the good things.
As I had hoped, I am starting to feel silly. Everything will be fine. I will adjust. Caleb will adjust. (No need to include Mike because he is excited enough for the both of us, lol). There will be hard moments. It won't be easy, but people face much more challenging situations everyday and they do just fine.
I just wish I were more excited....which then makes me wish I wasn't so selfish and hard on myself for not being more excited. There are people who are not able to get pregnant or get pregnant as easily as Mike and I did...and here I am not bouncing off the walls...instead I am being pessimistic...which is totally not my norm.
Maybe I am just too distracted? I am trying to enjoy my time alone with Caleb while I have it, but then when I am doing that, I begin to fear that having a whole summer together will actually be a detriment because he will get even more attached to me before I have Tegan forcing him to step aside. Oh man. Here I go again...how can I do this to him? I am picturing this poor child going off to his room and sulking in a corner because he no longer feels loved. This is a look into my irrational mind.
At least I won't have the stress of grad school. :)
