I have been watching shows that have got me all worked up and I am trying to get myself to move on. I thought I could just go to bed...but I know I will just dream about my worries. (also, its 8:30 on a Saturday night.) Another option would be to talk to someone who I know would calm me down....but I don't want to talk on the phone and I don't want to get into a texting battle. This leaves me with writing down my worries.
I am terrified of labor.
I love the process so far. The beginning was rough, but I am going through a really awesome part now where I am not having any negative side effects of being pregnant (other than being tired and lazy...which makes me worry about weight gain and a more difficult delivery...)
I have so much to look forward to. In three weeks, I will be in Florida on vacation. In six weeks, I have my first baby shower. (This is super exciting.) I am starting to be able to feel him from the outside, but so far, no one else has been able to. I look forward to being able to hold him, watch Mike be a dad and share Caleb with my family and friends.
So what's the problem? I daydream about all of the fun stuff....but WILL NOT let myself think about delivery. Whenever I start picturing that day, I start to panic...then I worry because it isn't healthy for me or Caleb when I am anxious--so to calm myself down, I stop thinking about it.
At my last doctor's appointment, I brought up a question that led her to bring up the topic of delivery. I told her, that if I were going to be completely honest, I would deliver my baby in room by myself if I could. Typing this and knowing people will read it makes me feel like I sound psychotic...and maybe I do. I just have so much anxiety about people being invasive, being in pain, being completely vulnerable....and all that comes with that day. I know I need to have more conversations with my doctor about this irrational reaction and fear...
Whenever this conversation comes up, I always hear:
"Once you get to that point, you'll be used to not having privacy." (um...no I wont)
"By the end you will be so ready to get that baby, out you wont care." (yes...I am sure I will be ready to get him out and love on him...but that doesn't mean I wont care)
....blogging isn't helping like I thought it would. For my own peace of mind...it is probably best if I just keep avoiding the topic in my mind.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
I am starting this post with no real focus. I have lots of thoughts....many I would love to share....but a wise woman knows that not everything I think needs to be made public. (Even though that's usually my go-to strategy.) So I will by-pass the thoughts that shouldn't necessarily be internalized, but don't need to be written and shared. :)
I love to cook, but often feel like I recycle the same meals over and over. I decided to check out the Crock Pot Girls on facebook and see if there was anything worth trying. I have a few new ideas I am going to try this week and am super excited about it. I don't know what Mike will think about them, but I have to at least try.
I felt Caleb from the outside twice yesterday. I think a lot of it had to do with me feeling him simultaneously from the inside, but hopefully we are almost to the point where others can feel him as well.
My sister sent me the cutest text this morning. She said that she had to hide a present she got for baby Caleb because Aubrey kept bringing it to her saying "Baby Daylub." It's so exciting that the girls are excited about him. They are going to be such awesome cousins. :)
I also got to play with Andrew yesterday...but I think he was traumatized from my stupid dog who couldn't settle down. :-/
Mike and I created our registries at Target and Babies R Us last weekend. Sure it may be a little early, but since I am due in January, we didn't want to compete with Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Also, I don't want to be 37+ weeks at a shower (that sounds miserable). Plus, with my anxiety, there is no way I could patiently wait that long to get some of the major stuff I am hoping we get off of our registry. Luckily I have a 2 week Christmas Break a few weeks before my due date and I am hoping to get the final touches on everything: washing clothes, bedding, blankets, toys...the house. That all being said, my shower(s) will be in November. DO YOU REALIZE HOW CLOSE THAT IS!!!???!!! :) Somehow, September is almost over....then I will be on a 2 WEEK (that's right...2 week) fall break where one of those weeks will be spent in Florida. Then shortly after that it is November. Oh man...then the rest of the time is down hill from there! :)
Have I mentioned how much I HATE graduate school??? I don't know if it's because I felt forced to sign up and it's not the time in my life that I wanted to take it-- or its just that the class I am currently in is ridiculous. The professor is so unorganized and her expectations are so unclear. I really...really hate it.
Guess I will get back to watching Glee Season 2. Hopefully the Christmas episode is coming up soon!
I love to cook, but often feel like I recycle the same meals over and over. I decided to check out the Crock Pot Girls on facebook and see if there was anything worth trying. I have a few new ideas I am going to try this week and am super excited about it. I don't know what Mike will think about them, but I have to at least try.
I felt Caleb from the outside twice yesterday. I think a lot of it had to do with me feeling him simultaneously from the inside, but hopefully we are almost to the point where others can feel him as well.
 |
| My growing boy. :) |
I also got to play with Andrew yesterday...but I think he was traumatized from my stupid dog who couldn't settle down. :-/
Mike and I created our registries at Target and Babies R Us last weekend. Sure it may be a little early, but since I am due in January, we didn't want to compete with Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. Also, I don't want to be 37+ weeks at a shower (that sounds miserable). Plus, with my anxiety, there is no way I could patiently wait that long to get some of the major stuff I am hoping we get off of our registry. Luckily I have a 2 week Christmas Break a few weeks before my due date and I am hoping to get the final touches on everything: washing clothes, bedding, blankets, toys...the house. That all being said, my shower(s) will be in November. DO YOU REALIZE HOW CLOSE THAT IS!!!???!!! :) Somehow, September is almost over....then I will be on a 2 WEEK (that's right...2 week) fall break where one of those weeks will be spent in Florida. Then shortly after that it is November. Oh man...then the rest of the time is down hill from there! :)
Have I mentioned how much I HATE graduate school??? I don't know if it's because I felt forced to sign up and it's not the time in my life that I wanted to take it-- or its just that the class I am currently in is ridiculous. The professor is so unorganized and her expectations are so unclear. I really...really hate it.
Guess I will get back to watching Glee Season 2. Hopefully the Christmas episode is coming up soon!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Baby Boy Keller
Dear Caleb Ethan Keller,
I can't believe that you are almost 20 weeks developed. Even though you will come when you choose, this is considered the halfway point. Your daddy and I had such an exciting week. We found out that you are a BOY and we chose your name: Caleb Ethan. :)
I can't tell you how much I love feeling you move inside me. There are some days when I feel you a TON and some days where I may only feel you a couple times. I REALLY like the days where I get to feel you a lot. Could you try moving more so I can feel it? Also, daddy is eager to feel you too, so kick hard enough for him to feel. :)
Lately, you have really been wanting Panera soup. Your favorite it the Baked Potato and Broccoli Cheese. You also love gummy bears. Yum! Yum! I have noticed that I am probably not eating as healthy as I should be, but it just seems so much easier to eat what I want, than worry about how how healthy it is. Typing this now is making feel like a bad mommy. My top priority should be to eat healthy food to ensure that you're a healthy baby. I love you and want what's best for you.
I am getting to the point now where some things are getting to be more difficult. Now that you are almost 10 inches long, you are taking up more room in my body. Bending over to tie my shoes, put on my socks and pick stuff off of the floor is more challenging because my belly is in the way. I also have abdominal pains pretty frequently, but from what I have read, its just normal stretching of the muscles.
One thing I was really worried about when I found out I was pregnant was that I am a very selfish sleeper and I was afraid I would have a really hard time with a newborn. Well, I can honestly say that you have already helped me not be such a selfish sleeper. On average, you have me up 2-4 times a night. While I am only up for 2 minutes tops, I do think it is getting me more prepared to lose sleep at night. This may seem like it doesn't make sense, but I do appreciate you helping me ease into the idea of interrupted sleep.
The last thing I want to tell you is that you are loved. You have had several people already buy you presents and I am sure it is only the beginning. I had some stuff before I became pregnant, bought some stuff when I found out I was pregnant, and bought more when I found out you were a boy. I'd like to think I can relax for a while and not get anything until after my baby shower(s?), but who knows.
Well that is all for now. I am still not going to tell you that I cannot wait to meet you because I am enjoying letting you grow in a safe environment and the house isn't anywhere close to ready for you. What I can say is that I can't wait until the next time you let me feel you move and that I love you with all of my heart.
Love,
.....(it feels so weird to call myself mommy....I don't know if I am ready for that quite yet)
Me
I can't believe that you are almost 20 weeks developed. Even though you will come when you choose, this is considered the halfway point. Your daddy and I had such an exciting week. We found out that you are a BOY and we chose your name: Caleb Ethan. :)
 |
| This is your cute baby face with your left arm laying on your head. |
 |
| Look at your tiny baby body! :) |
Lately, you have really been wanting Panera soup. Your favorite it the Baked Potato and Broccoli Cheese. You also love gummy bears. Yum! Yum! I have noticed that I am probably not eating as healthy as I should be, but it just seems so much easier to eat what I want, than worry about how how healthy it is. Typing this now is making feel like a bad mommy. My top priority should be to eat healthy food to ensure that you're a healthy baby. I love you and want what's best for you.
I am getting to the point now where some things are getting to be more difficult. Now that you are almost 10 inches long, you are taking up more room in my body. Bending over to tie my shoes, put on my socks and pick stuff off of the floor is more challenging because my belly is in the way. I also have abdominal pains pretty frequently, but from what I have read, its just normal stretching of the muscles.
One thing I was really worried about when I found out I was pregnant was that I am a very selfish sleeper and I was afraid I would have a really hard time with a newborn. Well, I can honestly say that you have already helped me not be such a selfish sleeper. On average, you have me up 2-4 times a night. While I am only up for 2 minutes tops, I do think it is getting me more prepared to lose sleep at night. This may seem like it doesn't make sense, but I do appreciate you helping me ease into the idea of interrupted sleep.
The last thing I want to tell you is that you are loved. You have had several people already buy you presents and I am sure it is only the beginning. I had some stuff before I became pregnant, bought some stuff when I found out I was pregnant, and bought more when I found out you were a boy. I'd like to think I can relax for a while and not get anything until after my baby shower(s?), but who knows.
 |
| Here is one outfit your daddy really liked that I got you. :) |
 |
| If the amount of clothing in your closet indicates how much you are loved, then you are one loved baby!! (these are newborn-12 months and some are pjs that wont stay hung up....still crazy, right?) |
Love,
.....(it feels so weird to call myself mommy....I don't know if I am ready for that quite yet)
Me
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Anticipation and Nostalgia: Wrapped and Under the Tree
If you know me, you know I am addicted to Christmas....and addicted probably isn't even a strong enough adjective to describe it. If you don't know me that well, but read my last blog post, then you might have an inkling to obsession.
This is how my year goes:
January-March: I am in a deep depression because Christmas is over.
April-May: Starting to get over the fact that Christmas is over and getting excited for Spring/Summer.
June-August: I begin day dreaming about the whole holiday season and may watch the occasional Christmas movie from time to time.
September: I stop hiding my excitement to the public because I feel as though it's close enough I won't look completely insane when I admit to watching a Christmas movie (or seven) a month.
October: Excited for Halloween but only because it is the start of EVERYTHING! Turkey day, Black Friday, stores decorated, Christmas commercials, cooler weather....sheer joy.
November: AHHHH! I can barely contain myself! It's the perfect time of year! People decorate their houses, t.v. shows and movies are Christmas themed, Christmas songs on the radio, baking tons of cookies just for the smell...(and bc they are tasty), and buying people you love presents and wrapping them (in reality...its September now and I have had some presents bought since August)
December: Panic starts to set in because the almost year long anticipation is almost over! Before I know it, the worst days of the whole year are here: December 27th-December 30th. These days are just stupid. They make me angry.....this is when I start my downward spiral until March/April-ish. There just doesn't seem to be any purpose or anything to really look forward to. (EXCEPT THIS YEAR BECAUSE I WILL HAVE A BABY IN JANUARY AND THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!)
Here is how I spent my weekend thus far (and how I plan to spend the rest)
Friday Night:
Saturday:
I actually didn't watch anything Christmas. :)
Sunday:
Monday:
I am a sucker for tradition and nostalgia. On Thanksgiving morning, I have to wake up early enough to shower and be 100% ready for the Macy's Day Parade. As I watch the Parade in its entirety, I make my pumpkin pies. I cannot record the parade and fast forward through commercials (as some people suggest) because then I will miss Christmas commercials. Worst of all, one year I did something to the recording and I accidental deleted the parade and missed the whole thing. That was a tragic and scaring year.
Then I go to my parents' house and help cook and start mapping out my Black Friday plans. Last year I didn't see anything...but I just couldn't sleep in on Black Friday. My favorite store is Target...so I decided to just go there and see what I could find. I think I got there around 5:30 and just walked around aimlessly. I ran into a friend and she just laughed when she saw me in line and saw that all I had in my cart was a 2-liter of Coke, toilet paper and some pjs for my nieces. :)
Next I went to Toys R Us for a gift for my nephew and stopped off at QDoba for a breakfast burrito. Now the fun REALLY begins. When I get home, I climb in the attic and get what seems like 10 tubs of Christmas decorations. I have Christmas movies playing in the background all day and am baking cookies between putting up decorations. Its really the best thing ever. (I also prefer to do it alone...and luckily last year, Mike was at work. We will see what his schedule is like this year) :) This is also the first night where it becomes acceptable to turn on your Christmas lights outside. (Actually...I think I do on Thanksgiving night.)
This year will be a little different because I will be 30+ weeks pregnant at Thanksgiving. I wont put out as many decorations as normal because this year I will want to have the house cleaned up before I go back to school in January....because I will be FULL TERM! :) ahhh!
I think I am finished with my ramble....and I didn't even get past Black Friday! haha.
This is how my year goes:
January-March: I am in a deep depression because Christmas is over.
April-May: Starting to get over the fact that Christmas is over and getting excited for Spring/Summer.
June-August: I begin day dreaming about the whole holiday season and may watch the occasional Christmas movie from time to time.
September: I stop hiding my excitement to the public because I feel as though it's close enough I won't look completely insane when I admit to watching a Christmas movie (or seven) a month.
October: Excited for Halloween but only because it is the start of EVERYTHING! Turkey day, Black Friday, stores decorated, Christmas commercials, cooler weather....sheer joy.
November: AHHHH! I can barely contain myself! It's the perfect time of year! People decorate their houses, t.v. shows and movies are Christmas themed, Christmas songs on the radio, baking tons of cookies just for the smell...(and bc they are tasty), and buying people you love presents and wrapping them (in reality...its September now and I have had some presents bought since August)
December: Panic starts to set in because the almost year long anticipation is almost over! Before I know it, the worst days of the whole year are here: December 27th-December 30th. These days are just stupid. They make me angry.....this is when I start my downward spiral until March/April-ish. There just doesn't seem to be any purpose or anything to really look forward to. (EXCEPT THIS YEAR BECAUSE I WILL HAVE A BABY IN JANUARY AND THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!)
Here is how I spent my weekend thus far (and how I plan to spend the rest)
Friday Night:
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| <3 A Flintstone's Christmas <3 (Saved on my DVR from last year) |
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| <3 National Lampoons Christmas Vacation <3 (I was going to watch Elf, but changed my mind for this) |
I actually didn't watch anything Christmas. :)
Sunday:
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| <3 Garfield Holiday Celebrations <3 (Some of you may find this more appropriate as it has a Halloween, Thanksgiving and a Christmas episode) |
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| <3 A Flintsone's Christmas Carol <3 (No surprise here. I've watched it a ton already this year) |
Monday:
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| <3 The Santa Clause <3 (I love all three, but the first is such a classic) |
 |
| <3 Fred Claus <3 (I bought this on Black Friday last year and love it) |
Then I go to my parents' house and help cook and start mapping out my Black Friday plans. Last year I didn't see anything...but I just couldn't sleep in on Black Friday. My favorite store is Target...so I decided to just go there and see what I could find. I think I got there around 5:30 and just walked around aimlessly. I ran into a friend and she just laughed when she saw me in line and saw that all I had in my cart was a 2-liter of Coke, toilet paper and some pjs for my nieces. :)
Next I went to Toys R Us for a gift for my nephew and stopped off at QDoba for a breakfast burrito. Now the fun REALLY begins. When I get home, I climb in the attic and get what seems like 10 tubs of Christmas decorations. I have Christmas movies playing in the background all day and am baking cookies between putting up decorations. Its really the best thing ever. (I also prefer to do it alone...and luckily last year, Mike was at work. We will see what his schedule is like this year) :) This is also the first night where it becomes acceptable to turn on your Christmas lights outside. (Actually...I think I do on Thanksgiving night.)
This year will be a little different because I will be 30+ weeks pregnant at Thanksgiving. I wont put out as many decorations as normal because this year I will want to have the house cleaned up before I go back to school in January....because I will be FULL TERM! :) ahhh!
I think I am finished with my ramble....and I didn't even get past Black Friday! haha.
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