finding myself

Ever since I can remember, I have had body image issues. Like many others, I would obsess about how I looked and whether or not an outfit made me look fat. I can remember as far back as my elementary years having this as an issue. Comments from my mom like, "Suck in your belly," and "You don't need to eat that," were comments I heard regularly. In my mother's defense, I do think she was trying to help. At the time, it made me even more self-conscious and I felt scrutinized. As I went through middle school, high school and even in to college, it became a bigger issue. Your mind and body go through so many changes at that age. I remember skipping breakfast and lunch, jogging, drinking ridiculous amounts of water....and even making myself sick so that I could be the image that I wanted. In my mind, it was all about a number on the scale. Once I reached that number, I would be fine. Even when I was at my lowest number on the scale (which is 50 pounds or so lower than where I am at currently) I remember thinking it wasn't good enough.

I never really was motivated by the desire to attract guys, or look like everyone else...honestly, I hate saying it, but I just wanted to get to a point where I wouldn't have to be self conscious that my mom would tell me to suck in my belly or feel judged for eating. Anyone who knows me knows I ADORE my mother. I would never want this blog to be a negative reflection on my mom. I honestly don't think she realizes the impact of what she says.

 My point is when I look back on pictures of me in high school, it really pisses me off that I wasn't happy with my weight. I was buying my t-shirts from the little boy's section in target for goodness sake!! When I look at pictures of the summer when I was making really scary choices on how to lose weight, I feel like I almost look sick in some of them. Yet...it wasn't good enough. In my mind, the number on the scale and my pants size didn't reflect what I thought it should.

I don't know why I am telling you all of this. Honestly, it wasn't my intention when I logged on today. Michael and I bought P90X (or whatever it is called) and I wanted to hold myself more accountable by putting it on here. I want to lose weight in a healthy way. Last January-June I lost 15 pounds by working out and eating better. Since my new job, I have put 7-8 back on. If Michael and I want to start a family soon, I really don't want to become pregnant overweight and then gain MORE weight on top of it. I have a much healthier body image now...even though I weigh more...but this is not the body I want to have anymore. Starting Sunday, Michael and I are going to do our best to follow the diet and work out routine. Wish us luck!