I feel like I am changing. Not like the prepubescent change...I think that is all over with now...but an internal change. Anxiety is not new to me.
I over-think.
I over-analyze.
I worry about what people think of me.
I worry about my image.
I worry about the effects I have on others.
I worry about raising Caleb the best way possible.
Caleb.
Where do I even begin with my anxiety around Caleb? I want him to be healthy and happy- as all parents want for their children. I want him to grow to love me as much as I love him. I hope we can have a close relationship as he grows from a baby, to a little boy, to a teen, to a young adult and a grown man.
I hope to teach him to have empathy. I hope to teach him how to say sorry and mean it. I hope to teach him how to treat a woman. I hope to teach him how to be okay with losing. I hope to teach him how to be humble. There are so many things I hope to teach him.....what if I fail? I don't want to cause any long-term scaring or the need for extensive therapy.
This really all leads to me having separation issues. I never felt like I had post-partum...and I still don't think that's what my issue is...however I think I have some sort of emotional issue. I am soooo attached to him that I have a hard time being away from him. I am fine dropping him off to go to work but I only get around 3 hours with him on school nights so I am not willing to give up time with him M-F. Then Saturdays and Sundays come around and I am so happy to get more than 3 hours with him that I don't want to miss out on time with him then either. So this leads me to what I said previously: I feel myself changing.
I am becoming more attached. I have always been attached but it is getting so much harder to be away from Caleb or to let anyone help. I want to do everything and want to always be with him. Even hours after putting him to bed, I begin to miss him and want to go in and just cuddle him. Even though I want to do everything and always be with him, I know I need breaks. Yet, when I get a "break"- all I do is think about how long I have been away from him and worry that whoever has him is ready for me to come back and take back over. I worry I am missing something adorable or monumental.
The truth is, I know I need time away from him. It is healthy for me and healthy for him....but I hate it. I cannot relax or enjoy time away from him. How could I? He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why would I want to be away from him? Someone please tell me it is normal to have such strong separation anxiety 10 months after your amazing child is born???
Either it is normal to get irritable/grumpy/short with your husband when you are about to have time alone together because you know you will be away from your son...or....something is a bit off. I just recently realized that when Mike and I are going to have someone watch Caleb, I become really short with Mike and cold...and kind of bitchy. I get more emotional and rude. I noticed I did this the night he and I went to Treefest and had Mike's parents watch him. I started to get upset as we went to the event because I missed Caleb and wished he were with us....even though we would only be gone a few hours.
Then the night Mike and I went to see Seussical, which should have been a fun child-free-enjoy-no-responsibility-night...I was grumpy, moody and basically extremely somber with him until we got into the theater. I didn't know why I was so irritable...and then I realized it was because I didn't like being away from Caleb. I feel like he is my responsibility and I should be the one taking care of him. Throughout the musical I kept thinking of Caleb and how much he would love it. On the way home, it made me sad that I wouldnt put my guy to bed (he stayed the night with my parents since the musical would be over late).
I love everything about being a mom. I am not at all comfortable with the fantasy of having another child. I know I do not want Caleb to be the only child, but at this point, the thought of a second breaks my heart because of how much I love him. I am not willing to share that love yet. How is THAT normal?? I should go to bed......at least if I go to bed...my crazy self will be closer to seeing him. lol. Judge away. I write these blogs for myself: it's cheaper than therapy. :)
*Also, I know it isn't healthy for either one of us if I am constantly hovering.
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| (I can't seem to rotate this and I don't care. He is so cute!) |
Aw, sis. In my wanna-be professional opinion, what you're experiencing is completely normal! Your little guy is almost a year old, growing and changing every day, and learning about becoming more independent. Just yesterday he was completely helpless and needed you more than anyone. I think every mom feels anxiety like this on some kind of level, especially leading up to that first birthday... especially because that means your baby isn't really a baby anymore... and "oh my gosh, how has so much time gone by already?!" I can't imagine how hard it must be, being away from him so many hours of the day, so I'm sure it is that much harder when you choose to be away from him during what is normally your together time. Maybe you feel a little guilty, so you lash out. Normal!
ReplyDeleteAnd when the girls were this age, I also remember feeling the same way in regards to thinking about another (even though it obviously wasn't going to happen). I couldn't imagine wanting to have another at that point, but also i had 2 little twinnies learning how to crawl/climb/walk/get into everything. ;-)
Hugs girl, you're a great mom!
(Oh yeah, and I remember how hard that first year was (and even still)... I ALWAYS felt like I was under the magnifying glass and that everyone was judging my every move. True or not, it's hard not to feel that way. Again, you are a great mom, sis!!)
love you!