When enough is enough

*This blog post is about my journey as a nursing mother and my future with nursing. If this is too personal for you or you don't care, I would stop reading now. *  :)


I remember a class I took in high school (early childhood development I believe) where I first learned that mother's do not HAVE to breastfeed. For some reason, up until that point, I was under the impression that newborns had to be breastfed. I remember thinking it seemed unnatural to have a newborn baby drink from a bottle and have formula from the very beginning. (Keep in mind...this was a 15-16 year old realization.)

When my sister had my nieces, she was a nursing machine. (I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this.) Anytime I went to visit, I would go knowing that she would likely be topless or barely covered. With twins, she was basically a milk machine. I remember being so proud of her for making the choice to nurse the girls even though she never had a moment to herself. Seeing her push through her challenges for (I believe) 6 months of nursing 2 babies, I thought-- "Hey, if she can do it with two babies for 6 months, then I should have no trouble!"

My experience has been a pleasurable one. I used a shield at first, which was annoying, but I believe that is why we had such success with him taking a bottle. (Either that or he is a fatty and doesn't care where his food source comes from!)  He would take the bottle from me and nurse from me. He didn't seem to have a preference. My only preference was that I didnt like nursing in public. Thankful, I have only had to a few times, but that is something I am not comfortable with.

I made a tough decision to give Caleb formula at nights to see if it helped him sleep longer. Since I am a working mom, I need all of the help I can get. I remember feeling terrible about giving him formula and knew that it would be easier and would then tempt me to quit BFing all together. Well, formula definitely is easier. No denying that. When he isnt with me, the only person with a bottle warmer (for a BM bottle) is my mom. If I need someone to watch him, it is much easier for them to make him a formula bottle---bc when he wants it--he wants it! I don't choose for him to have formula at home, if I can, I nurse him. If I dont feel I have time or have other things to do, I will give him a BM bottle.

This leads me to HOW i get a BM bottle. Well...I lose valuable time by being hooked to a milking machine. I hate my milking machine. I also hate saying I hate pumping and getting a response of, "Then just switch to formula."<---this is a whole other post. When I went back to work, I knew that meant I would have to pump there. Oh man...what I didnt realize is how much I would loathe it.

• I cant get to school too early because I need to drop Caleb off at my Aunt's and (1) it takes more time to get ready now that I have a baby (2) I dont want to make her get up at 5 am.
• I don't want to stay too late after school because (1) he is usually ready for a nap and it REALLY throws off our night when I have to stay late (2) we are close to a feeding time and I'd rather just nurse him so I dont have to pump.
• I lose most of my prep pumping. When am I supposed to do all that I need to do in the day? 

Also, some days, we would have meetings on our preps which would cause me to have to have someone else cover my room so I can go lock myself in a bathroom. This was terrible. It was a burden on someone else to babysit my kids and was awkward because I am exposed hoping no one comes in.

This is all leading me to this question: When is enough enough? My original BF goal was to make it until the end of summer break. Well that is no problem. My new goal would be to one year...but I don't think I can be the type of teacher I want to be AND a nursing mom. I want to be the best teacher possible and I don't think I came close to that the 8 weeks after my maternity leave to summer break. It just didn't happen because I didn't feel I had enough time to make it happen.

I am so torn. I hate waking up sore in the morning, but enjoy the bonding with Caleb. I hate pumping on my prep but like that I am providing what my son needs. There are times when he is so worked Up that nursing is all that comforts him. How does he calm down if I chose to stop? Ill feel so bad when he goes searching and I am not able to provide the comfort he wants.

When I go back to work, he will be 6 months. I am proud of that. I know some women have a hard time nursing--I am extremely grateful that I am not--which is part of my struggle. I feel so selfish. If I quit it is solely because I don't want to pump at school anymore. What a selfish reason.

This reminds me. I need to go pump. Caleb ate a BM bottle a little while ago and I am trying to build my supply back up. Adios. Any advice would be welcomed. :)